Brooke (weaseldance) wrote,
Brooke
weaseldance

have i mentioned i hate drama?

When I feel confusion and preemptive anger, when I look in the eyes of my future defeated, overwhelmed self, and when minutes of inpatient writing turn up nothing I don’t already know to help me, I settle for goodnight with the feeble phrase, “I’m stronger than I think I am.” I look back at the former sentence and wish I could say it was dramatic, knowing that if I could say that with sincerity the whole matter would be resolved. But I know it’s not dramatic, that I’m not over reacting, and that the future I described is accurate.

I’m scared. Not in the way that I fear surgery, but I still feel fear. I’m resentful of myself but at the same time I feel compassion. Above all I feel peace, an unsettled, chaotic peace that feels sustaining. I’m grateful for that peace. Amen.
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