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|Monday, April 15th, 2013|
I’ve had it, and you are not welcome here anymore. People always speculate about why people go back to their abusers, and I wonder that about myself. Why do I continue to think that you have anything valuable to say about my existence, about my life, about my purpose, and about my faults? You are extremely manipulative, unfaithful to your promises, harsh, and impossible to please. When I feel that I have done everything I could to possibly make you happy on any given day, you come right back and abuse me, and it comes out of nowhere. One day you make me feel so special and on top of the world that I see life with you as priceless and I have no reservations about sharing my thoughts with you. The next day, you abuse me emotionally and physically until I feel so worthless that I just want to cry, but I don’t want people to know that you’re abusing me, that I’m allowing you to abuse me. And I feel weak exposing myself so openly to others, so I keep you hidden somewhere deep inside even though all I want to do is tell someone, anyone, that I’m being attacked forcefully and I need it to end. When I become stronger in one area of my life, you take the initiative to find another area where I’m feeling less strong and you attack it full force until I feel shaky, until I start doubting all of the work I’ve put forth in the past few years to get rid of you. And the worst thing about it is, you’re so subtle that sometimes I think I’m crazy and doubt that you’re real. I think that I’m making you up when I don’t see any signs of you. So I don’t want to talk about you to people because I assume that if they can’t see signs of you that they won’t think you’re real. There was a time when I just wanted to give into you as much as I could so that I had proof that you exist, so that I felt more outwardly justified in leaving. That’s always a temptation I have, to let you have control over my money, over my eating, over my sleep, over my relationships with myself, with others and with God, so that I had tangible evidence to present to someone that you’re real. But that’s just part of your scheme, to try to convince me that you’re not real, that it’s all in my head, and that I have nothing to get away from because I’m completely normal. You’re wrong. You’ve been controlling parts of my life for way too long, and I’m not okay with it. And when I put up too strong of a defense against your control of food, you fled so quickly. It was amazing to watch you go, disappearing as if you never existed, trying to poke up whenever you got a chance but being completely shot down by your own victim. I’m going to do the same thing again, so I’m writing it down as proof.
Your words: “You are wasteful with your money. When you go out and spend $30.50 on fun activities, that makes you a selfish person. You are not worthy of spending that much money, and you need to make up for it by spending only $10 on food for the rest of the week, even though you can afford to spend more if you wish. But you need to restrict it, because that makes you a better person, that makes you a controlled person, that gives you credibility as a good person. If you spend money on yourself, that makes you a bad person. You don’t want to be a bad person, and I’ll help you not be that person. Just follow me, I know how to make you feel better. You were right about the food stuff, that was all a lie. But I’m right about this.
My words: Hello, Ed. It’s interesting to see you here. You never used to be concerned about this side of things when we fought about food for so long. How am I supposed to believe you that you are not lying to me this time when you lied so frequently about food? The truth is, you’ve never told me the truth ever. You’ve never been right about anything. You like to think you’re right, but every time I try to give you a chance, you’re completely wrong. Like food, money has no moral value. It is what it is. We have what we have, but guilt is not productive and doesn’t help us manage it. I am not the type of person to squander resources. If I spend $30 on fun, it’s because it’s a special occasion. It’s not something I do every night, or even every week or month. I am wise with my money. I have learned through trial and error how that works. And I am not confined to your budget of living. I am not a better or worse person depending on how much money I spend! I am an imperfect person doing my best to manage my resources, and part of my self care and my praise of the life that God has given me is enjoying it by not restricting my opportunities for fun. I have made that decision for myself and I am maintaining that as true. I spent $30 this week, and that’s great, because I budgeted it. That doesn’t make me a BAD person, that makes me a person, a beautiful person, created in the image of God, and it is okay, and I am grateful. Maybe I didn’t really enjoy what I used the money on,, but I was feeling your pressure and countering you, and I recognize that I was doing that and I see it as a learning experience. It is all good.
Lord, please forgive me for looking away rom your gifts, for taking your gifts for granted by being overcome by unnecessary guilt and self dislike. I am a temple that You created, and as such, beautiful in every way, regardless of the trivial ways in which I have chosen to try to define myself. I’m not defined by the grades I get, the money I spend or don’t spend, the food I eat or don’t eat, the sleep I get or don’t get, the times I work out or don’t work out, etc. etc. I simply am, and that is more than good enough. I am because You loved me enough to create and sustain me. I am because You spoke me into being, and so it was. I am because the sun came up on the June day on which I was born, and You breathed life and soul into me. I am because You made me, and that is who I am. How I behave, the things I do, the decisions I make, the mistakes I make and remake and make again, they are what I do, but they are not who I am. They are a part of me the way weather is a part of nature. It is, and it happens, but it changes, yet nature and seasons still remain, steadfast, yet changing. I am my steadfast self beyond my changes. This me that I am will always be, and nothing I can do or say or fail to do and fail to say can take away from or add to my innate beauty, that beauty that comes from being created by You.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Tuesday, March 5th, 2013|
So Sacred, so solid,
So steadfast that neither I nore they can define it,
So rapid…and waitless,
Mhmmmm. Only my weight wilts it.
But when I ignore it, it leaves,
Just like it should,
And then I blame You.
I’m sorry that I blame You!
|Wednesday, February 6th, 2013|
|why isn't this working?
I feel emotional, but that’s okay. I don’t need to have a reason, I don’t need to fel bad about it, I just need to accept it and move on. I’m feeling unloved, which is weird because I really have no reason to think that, so I’m going to go ahead and let that go. I have a lot a lot of work to do so I need to go do that. I hate hate but I love love and if I’m not standing up for it constantly, apathy gets me down and I start treading water.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Tuesday, December 25th, 2012|
Christmas was amazing. I cherish the time I spend with my family more than I know how to explain. Beautiful things like making cookies with my family, performing with them, holding Dean’s hand while drinking hot cocoa, laughing with my family, watchi¬ng those I love unwrap gifts from me, eating delicious food, listening to my brothers play guitar, listening to my dad sing and my mom play the piano, watching Dean laugh so hard he cries, singing with my family, hearing my grandma sing, feeling the love burst in my heart as I read about the Creator of love and His love in me. I used to put romantic love at the top of the love chain; I used to think that someone’s romantic love would be harder to lose than someone’s family. Now I’m not sure because when I think about just how much I love the people I love, my chest kind of explodes and I’m left with similar desires to show them how much I love them even though I don’t really know how to do that.
Anyway, I think working out will make me feel more relax.
To the Creator of Love,
Help me to cherish You with all I have and love with everything within me even if it kills me.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Monday, December 17th, 2012|
|happy, thoughts, happy, thoughtful
Today Dean and I got engaged! That thing I never dared to dream would happen? It happened. And it happened in a chapel on campus which is the perfect place for that to happen. He wanted to get engaged in a church. I was shy. I wanted to squeal but I didn’t because…because I’m not used to wearing my heart on my sleeve. I spend much of my time stifling my excitement by doing things like worrying about some out-of-the-blue anxiety that is completely unfounded…by tuning so far into other people that I forget to let myself squeal. So now it’s time to squeal! I’m so excited. My chest is leaping and this feels right. I feel grateful that I don’t feel like I’m hiding from the world anymore. People are taking us seriously and I never thought they would. Our intentions are loud and clear for everyone to know, and my family accepts me. I’m not going to hide behind other peoples’ feelings anymore. I have my own feelings to have. If I spend time having other peoples’ feelings for them, I ignore my own. I’m grateful for this moment. I’m grateful for my life. I’m grateful for my emotions, for my thoughts, for my future, past, present, for my minds and my dreams. And now people are watching me write. Daddy and Dean are watching me. I’m not going to be apologetic if I need some Brooke time. I’m not going to be nervous about love. I’m not going to try to convince people by persuading me that I’m someone that either I am or I’m not but either way shouldn’t be persuading them. And that includes my fiancé.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Saturday, December 8th, 2012|
|the goal is a healthier me
There are three things I’m committing to work on, and I figured that by writing them and not hiding them in my journal I’d be more likely to hold myself accountable.
1. I’d like to stop measuring my accomplishments as quantitatively as I do now. Instead of asking myself, “Brooke, how many things did you accomplish today?” I’d rather ask myself, “Brooke, where was your heart today. How highly did you prioritize God and those you love?” Or, “Brooke, you’re a horrible person for not doing A B. and C.” Also unhealthy.
2. I want to work on not tuning so far into other peoples’ feelings that I tune out of my own. Then I get a giant knot in the bottom of my stomach and by the time I get around to dealing with it too many things have piled up on top of each other and I can’t actually identify the source or the emotion other than guilt, which is a really unproductive emotion without something to go with it. That happened last night and what I thought was one thing was actually something completely different.
3. I want to let myself be more vulnerable to the people I love and who love me. I like to hide behind shields, such as crying in showers instead of in front of them and masking what I’m feeling out of fear of…something so untrue it’s not even worth analyzing, abandonment I suppose? If something hurts me, I want to show it. If I have a preference, I want to show it more. And on and on and on until I die.
I will go write papers now. Papers papers papers!
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Saturday, November 3rd, 2012|
|Sunday, September 30th, 2012|
God, thank you for my life. Thank you for my long hair, my strong shoulders, my fingers that write this, my back that holds me up, my lungs that breathe in and out, breathe. Thank you for my voice that speaks and sings, for the lyrics and melodies that both inspire me and flow through me. Thank you for the food I eat and the water I drink, for the sleep I now get at night. Thank you for my prosthetic eyes that support my eyes and keep them open. Thank you for my mind that learns and remembers things. Thank you for my stomach that digests, for my bladder, for my legs and feet that take me places. Thank you for the strength you give me to keep on keeping on, and help me to keep on, even when children die, and people hurt, and I hurt, and storms come and act like they’re boss, help me to maintain faith and keep going, and remember all that you’ve made me.
I see you in each sunrise, bringing us hope to an otherwise desolate seen. I see you in smiling faces, in pleasant greetings, in every act of kindness from one human to another. I see you in acts of forgiveness, in every “I love you” that is whispered or shouted, on the phone or in person, online, or just thought. I see you in my friends and in my family who are always there to listen to me and just be. I see you in my personal battle with sin, as you give me the strength and ability to sale past it. I see you in my Dean and how completely amazing he is, how every day he amazes me and inspires me to do better, to love deeper, and to seek further purity. I see you in music that I hear and create, in the social services offered, and in the opportunity to rest at the end of the day after the work is done. The list is endless. Current Mood: grateful
|Friday, August 3rd, 2012|
|a two-week delayed rant
A 24-year-old man is capable of walking into what is supposed to be a safe and fun environment and physically end 12 lives but completely, irreversibly alter so, so, so many more, extending far beyond those who were present at the time of his mindless rampage. This isn't the first time this has happened. Time after time we have attacked each other, brutally ended each others' happiness and lives. One man went from going unnoticed to being highly well-known, and his name will never leave the minds of many of us for as long as we live. I could spend hours writing questions I'll never know the answer to as long as I'm on this earth, other than that I have some kind of tested but maintained faith that God is all-powerful and will make all things work together for our good. Like, why did certain people die and certain people live? Why do such loving couples and families get torn apart? Why was he able to even get into the movie theater? Why did she survive and he didn't? what was he thinking? What did he feel? What does he think now? What happened to possess him to do that? But I could never tell you the answer. But we could die in a minute. We could die tomorrow. God promised He'd never leave us…He doesn't tell us how long we have to live, and our lives are filled with challenges. But if one man can commit that much horror and evil in a matter of seconds, how many more Good and Loving acts can we commit if our hearts are pointed towards it? What would it be like to have the daily determination that is greater than or equal to the kind that the shooter had to have had to plan this kind of atrocity, only set on doing good, on spreading love, on inspiring people towards their potential? What would it be like if people called us crazy, nuts, insane, over-the-top, because we were so loving? What would it be like if people laughed at and judged us because of our ridiculous, bold, wild determination for loving others? What if we stopped caring so much about being "conventional" and "normal" and instead stepped out to do and say crazy, media-stirring, radical things in the name of loving others? So on days like today, where I keep thinking how the world is so full of crappy, horrible, shitty situations, it has to be God in me telling me that we've gotta keep going. We can't stop here, because that would be letting the enemy win. We have to keep believing and keep going. There's a reason clichés become clichés. I know I have to hear it and say it over and over to maintain my faith in it. There's so much to be done and so much to remember, so many heroes in our midst just walking around unnoticed, and so many people that are trying to find their purpose, and some of us who have an idea of what are purpose is but are still trying to work it out. Keep working it out. That’s all we can do is keep working it out.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Friday, July 20th, 2012|
|whenever i'm sad,
I feel really sad right now but I have a lot of work to do so I should really start doing it. I feel anxious and I’m having really bad thoughts but I guess it’s normal to have bad thoughts. I just wonder why mine go from being completely fine to being this bad in a second, but maybe that’s how life works. Aaaaaanyway, I’ve gotta bounce. Gotta make these contacts for Casa and finish e-mailing these bike stores and maybe find something that makes me laugh or maybe calm my horrible thoughts? I’ve tried talking about them and that doesn’t help. They just come sometimes and I figure it’s not something worth giving any more attention than it’s worth, in fact this post is probably more attention than it’s worth. I probably need to make myself do things since I’m not in the mood to do them. I wonder why though. Writing is helping. I don’t expect anyone to read or respond to this I’m just writing because sometimes it helps clear my head and keep me going. If I was really feeling ambitious, I might write the thoughts right on this page and post them, but that’s too gutsy for me. If I didn’t love, I wouldn’t have these thoughts. If i lived in a cave and didn’t care about anyone, I wouldn’t have these thoughts, but then I would never love, and it wouldn’t be worth living in a cave. I know that’s true. And since the thoughts have nothing to do with the people I love, then I’d still have other, much worse thoughts. There’s no way to go through life and never fear, never fall, never hurt like this or much much worse, and never feel like this. So when it happens, I might as well embrace it as part of the human experience given by God, as part of why Heaven will be so great and freeing, and part of what we sometimes experience as a way to maybe help others when they feel this way. Every time I feel like this, I should do my best to really experience it and overcome it so that I can help others do the same. That makes it feel a lot more worth it to me. And on that note, I’m going to go do my work. I feel more encouraged now.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Tuesday, July 17th, 2012|
It’s when I take control, that’s when the problems start. When I try to take control as if I can handle anything perfectly, as if I know the real answers to anything, it is then that I get messed up and start falling all over the place and curling up into a blanket of guilt. Freedom only comes when I surrender it all to Jesus and say “I can’t do this on my own, I am imperfect and I embrace that, I need Your help.” And He is right there to give me piece of mind, to strengthen my will and confidence, and to bring me back to my place of freedom where I embrace my imperfection and His redemption. I hate who I become without putting Jesus first. All of the positive qualities I possess turn to wretched qualities. My stubbornness turns into hurting or neglecting the ones I love. My ability to feel turns to bitterness in a very sneaky way. Any strength and inner drive I have comes back full force as guilt. And so it goes. But with Jesus I am a much calmer person. I’m able to look at things more as they are without clowded vision. I’m able to figure out how to act before hours, days, weeks, months pass and I’m still sitting in the same immoving place. I’m able to speak more gently, honor others’ feelings, treat those I love and those I don’t know with more dignity and respect. I clearly need Jesus every day at the forefront of my thoughts or I run myself into a frenzy that takes a lot more undoing to get out of than it does to run into. But when I’m in that desperate moment when I’m about to lose sight and get clowded, I often find it hard to pay. I think music is really helpful in those moments. I need to find more music that I can relate to and that gives me strength and restores my heart. And with that, I REAAALY need to get ready, I need to eat and get ready for the food bank I’m leaving pretty soon.
Why the crap did I sign that?
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Today is one of those days where I feel kind of like I messed things up and I’m guilty. Actually that’s not really true, that was last night but today is a new day. So I want to get over that sinking feeling in my stomach and call it the past. I’m pretty good at avoiding these things as a general rule, but when I get into it all I can feel is guilt so I can’t tell if it’s rational or not, but really I doubt it is. I don’t really want to write about the issue because it’s not really an issue and I know that the real issue isn’t the issue itself but rather my letting it get to this point. I just kind of dropped the ball and let some people down. And then other people reacted and then it became this mess that isn’t really a mess but it made me feel guilty. I think I’m going to go on a walk and clear my mind. Today I teach a class of teenagers so I want to be very focused and prepared for that. I also have a showing at the food bank and some work to do for Ram and for the Geller Center. Tonight I don’t really have plans yet. But life is good! I just need to keep working on what I’ve been working on. And I also need to forgive myself. Why am I so quick to forgive others but reasonably slower to forgive myself? I forgave so many people in a second. But when it comes to me, it takes this long process of fighting before I actually do it. I know self forgiveness is just as important as forgiving others, and I know it’s sinful to not, and I’m glad that I’m very self evaluative and am always trying to better myself; I think that’s great. But it would be beneficial and glorifying to God if I made self forgiveness a higher priority in my to-do list.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Thursday, July 5th, 2012|
|feeling discouraged, but there must be still hope
Hallie is so sick she can't really move. She can't eat and she an't drink. If she doesn't drink she gets dehydrated. But if she drinks she throws up. She is in horrible amounts of pain so she can't sleep without it being drug induced. She is a Christian but she is hurting and discouraged and her family is too. I believe God has a plan for this but it's so hard to see. This sucks so much. She's jealous of people with terminal illnesses because she says at least they're going to die soon and she doesn't have that luxury. That's how badly she's hurting. It's so bad that she's JEALOUS of people with terminal illnesses! This sucks. I always feel like I can't deal but somehow we keep dealing. This is such a crappy situation. I need to be strong for her some...how...but not overly sunny because then it seems like i 'm underestimating how much it sucks. I guess I don't have anything else to say about this.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Thursday, May 24th, 2012|
|let's try this again
Ready, sec, BE LIKE MAY!!
That feeling that I bottled up from last May 24th, let it carry me through my days. In Jesus' name, amen! Current Mood: energetic
|Friday, March 23rd, 2012|
|please don't lactate soda
Okay I need a to-do list.
1. Practice 2 paper
2. Economics annotation
3. Americorps application
4. That Spanish article
5. Laundry and cleaning and shopping
6. I suppose not the process recording stuff yet
8. Go on a really long walk
10. Catch up with people
If I finish all that and am still looking for things to do, I’d be shocked. I think I’m overthinking. I think I should go to sleep now maybe? Although I’m a little rialed up to do that because I’m hyper and want to go for a run or a walk but I also don’t want to fall asleep at 8 Pm which I probably will unless I sleep now haha. Also, I signed up for relay for life but then realized it’s next weekend and if it’s next weekend then I don’t/can’t if stay all night because Dean and I might have other plans since it’s his last night here.
My friends want to go shopping. I need to go shopping. Current Mood: ALL THE MOOOOODS
|Thursday, March 8th, 2012|
I hate, absolutely can’t stand, hate, hate, despise seeing people in pain. I just don’t like seeing suffering. I need to get used to this. I’m going to see and be in the midst of suffering until the day I die, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. In fact, if I liked it or was indifferent I suppose I would be concerned about my status as a human being with a heart. So I’d rather hurt and have my heart cry than feel nothing at all. That is sounding dangerously close to a Lady Antibellum song. I don’t care enough to look that up. Anyway, the point is that it’s okay to hate it and I’d rather hate it than not feel things. So I feel things. I feel sadness, and fear sometimes, and tears knocking somewhere between my throat and my chest, confusion and sometimes hopelessness. I feel intense pain and sadness all around, deep within people, scarring from the past and lurking in the future. Heavy hearts that are crying out for rest and peace. but prayer calms these feelings and restores the hope to my soul and the strength to my body. I feel wonder and hurt for the world and all who are in it. I feel eager for the day when God shall wipe away every tear. Get ready for a revolution! I would quote that but it wasn’t exact.
I’m eating carrots and journaling and wondering why I’m not doing happy things. There are so many happy things to do! There are so many happy things to be done. I could clean and listen to music, and do my Spanish homework, and download movies for the plane tomorrow, or start my books, or look at music and rearrange things, I could pack, I could make a spring break to-do list, and by the time I did all of these things I could lie down and pray and then sleep, and talk to Dean when he gets back or still be awake when he gets back, and by the time I woke up it would be Friday and I could spend the day working on allowing myself to feel as excited as I am.
But instead I’m journaling and thinking about suffering. But no entry about suffering would be complete without discussion of the overwhelming joy in the world: the laughter that I hear as I walk to class, the feeling of a smile or a laugh escaping me, the times when I feel so high that I can’t stop laughing until my abs hurt and my face is being stretched and I can’t breathe, newborn babies, chocolate, pure and genuine romantic love, pure and genuine platonic love and familial love, sleep, brainless books and movies, philosophical discussions, soulful music, love songs, writing, freedom, God! The world is full of beauty! I know that God will take away all suffering once the time on this earth is over. But when I sit down to list things, I’ve got to believe that even on this earth, this messed up, corrupt, selfish, sin-filled, painful earth, there is more joy than suffering, more beauty than terror. Joy and happiness are so much more powerful emotions than suffering and despair. This is my reasoning:
1. In hindsight, positive emotions stay more vivid than pain. That will be especially the case when we are done, because pain won’t exist.
2. Pain and suffering has to force itself into our lives whereas happiness and joy can be found everywhere. Pain and suffering are so insecure that they have to use forceful violence to make their voices heard, while joy and happiness are so ever-present that they’re found everywhere, and they encourage us, say it’s up to us to look for it.
3. We were made to be joyful. That’s why when we feel joy, it feels so right. When we are suffering, it doesn’t feel like all is right in the world. It feels wrong, because it is. It’s not how we were meant to live.
Suffering is temporary, so temporary that in an instant it will be gone. We don’t know when, but God knows when. He knows exactly when, and it’s so close to now. So close. So we don’t have to live in unfounded fear of suffering, because it will never triumph over joy. Current Mood: determined
|Saturday, March 3rd, 2012|
Sometimes, I make major breakthroughs and ideas that were once incredibly challenging for me become so simple. And when that happens, I feel excited and silly all at the same time and I wonder what I’ve been doing with my life for so long.
And sometimes, I spend so much time trying to ponder life issues that I will never know the answer to, but I sit there pondering them anyway, as if by the end of my pondering session I will have come up with an answer to something I’ll never fully understand. But you know, those are good moments ttoo. And eventually I just accept that I won’t know the answer and rest on God is Good. He is Good, follow Him, trust that He is Good, and repeat that over and over until I stop thinking about anything else.
And sometimes I feel so restless like I’ve never never done a single productive thing in my life and I need to start being a more productive human being. But then I attribute that to my tendency towards an unhealthy perfectionist mind-set, ilegitimize it, and carry on.
And sometimes my heart hurts for the world, and I just want to stop and recognize all of the brave and beautiful souls around me, and I pray for the day when pain is gone, when we can all dance and smile and celebrate and be free from ourselves and free from affliction. But I’m also inspired by the beauty that springs in darkness that urges us to keep living, keep loving, keep hoping. It’s the voice that reminds us that the sun is shining, that somebody loves us, that we are loved, that we have the capacity to love, the little kid that runs by with a big ice ream cone and a smile on his face like he just won the lottery, the old couple eating dinner together at a restaurant, the sound of my own laughter as my hair smacks me in the face and I skip over a rock as I run to class, the secret couple that can’t show their faces but taks a risk and loves anyway in the face of consequences. Those are the kinds of things that inspire me to stay hopeful that life and joy and peace and love are all around us. And when I wonder why some people get those things and some don’t, why some survive and some don’t, why some lovers are together for 70 years and some only 2 months before death strikes, I think of blessings the way I think of imperfections. They’re in everyone and everything, but some are more disguised than others. But while God is the Creater of the former, He is the exception the latter. Sometimes blessings are like presents that we have to unwrap and throw away the less than attractive wrapping before we can enjoy them. Who is to say that the couple together for 60 years who die in each other’s arms is more blessed than the man whose wife died and left him with three kids? Since I believe God created all people and loves all people, it only makes sence that God takes care of all of us in the best way for us. That gives me hope. Just as the murderer repenting in a prison sell reminds us that imperfection is everywhere, we all have it, and redemption is possible, it’s as if the little boy running around with an ice cream cone is reminding us to keep believing in what is there even when it is hard to believe, keep looking and discovering.
This week I had all of these things happen, actually since Thursday.
In other news, my physical therapist is magic, and I was telling Dean about it and he made fun of me and that lead me to laugh really hard because he was totally right. Also, I have no idea how I pulled off that last assignment because I started it the night before it was due, actually that’s not entirely true never mind, I started it ish before then, but anyway that interview was intense so I was tired last night and didn’t do any homework. Also, I leave for Washington on Friday! I’m not thinking about it much so that I can chill through the week, but by Thursday night who knows. I need to let myself be excited though!! I’m so excited to spend a week together, I’m going to bring stuff to do and chill with him. We were talking about where we want to live today. And at that note, I want to be outside. Current Mood: pensive
|Tuesday, February 28th, 2012|
their words will be a buzz in my ear as i do life. it's the truth, not idealistic.
|Saturday, February 25th, 2012|
|my name is galileo
People don’t know what a healthy body image is. People are completely satisfied being convinced that they’re fat. Well, rather they accept it. It’s so engraved in our society that unless people have a reason to question it, they don’t, or they pretend to but don’t actually. If I didn’t have an eating disorder I probably wouldn’t have questioned it either, but when it became such a fixation that I was cold all the time and didn’t eat and wasn’t healthy, it eventually occurred to me that something was wrong. But 80% of women think they’re over weight, and I’ve heard time and time again, “Is she pretty or is she fat?” The word “pretty” has become synonymous with the word “skinny” in our society. Can’t any rational thought process lead us to know that there’s something seriously wrong with that? I know it’s not rational. But pretending it is for 5 seconds, can’t we see that there’s something seriously wrong with that long enough to start fighting it, actively, forcefully fighting it? It’s false! We can’t just accept that societal mindset and let it walk all over us. When Galileo discovered the world is round and that the world was being deceived, he didn’t just blend in and be quiet about the fact that he was right. He fought it to the point of excommunication. The fact that I know that society is wrong about something means that I have no reason to question my knowledge, and I have a duty to tell people that they’re wrong, because they are.
I got stuff to do today! Current Mood: strong
|Tuesday, February 14th, 2012|
She dances like no one’s watching. She sings in public like she’s all alone. She laughs out loudly. She speaks her mind, she loves deeply, she has a confidence about her that captures the room and makes her move boldly, she loves her life, she loves her days, she has random urges, she cares about her self and accepts and embraces imperfections. She doesn’t take life too seriously, but she gets things done. She knows how to play. She is beautiful, graceful, free and loving. I love her very much. Current Mood: whimsikle